[THE MAXIM OF “BLAME THE LIONESS FOR THE SPOILED CUB”]

The proverb above stems from ancient feudal thinking and can be loosely summarized as: “men build the house, women build the home.” At that time, “men build the house” implied that men were seen as the pillars of the family, responsible for major matters such as earning a living, providing financial security, and building a stable career. Meanwhile, “women build the home” reflected the belief that women should focus solely on domestic duties—household work, childcare, and education—while larger responsibilities were shouldered by men. It was also from this feudal mindset that the saying “con hu tai me, chau hu tai ba” (a child’s misbehavior is blamed on the mother, a grandchild’s on the grandmother) emerged.  

Here, “con hu” refers to children who are ill-behaved, lazy, overly dependent on others, and unwilling to make efforts to improve themselves. In a family structure where men are regarded as the breadwinners, women—specifically mothers and grandmothers—are assigned primary responsibility for educating and raising children. Under this line of thinking, a “misbehaving child” is understood to be the result of improper or insufficient upbringing by the mother or grandmother. The responsibility for caring for and educating children is thus placed almost entirely on women, who are expected to bear full accountability for any shortcomings in the child’s behavior. This proverb can be explained through two main reasons. First, women in relationships were traditionally perceived as being more emotionally driven, tending to act with their hearts rather than with rational calculation. As a result, in raising children, excessive love could sometimes lead to indulgence—being overly forgiving, excusing mistakes, or even shielding children from the consequences of their actions. Seen as the “weaker” gender, women were believed to act more gently, softly, and compassionately, especially toward young children. For example, when a child behaved improperly, women were thought to be more likely to offer reminders or mild discipline rather than strict punishment. They feared that harsh treatment might make the child more disobedient or cause psychological trauma, particularly if physical punishment was involved. Second, grandmothers and mothers were typically much closer to children than grandfathers or fathers. They were the primary caregivers, responsible for daily needs such as meals, sleep, and health, which naturally fostered stronger emotional bonds. Their gentleness, patience, and tolerance also made them more approachable, enabling children to confide in them when facing difficulties or emotional concerns. Even minor matters were often shared with mothers or grandmothers, reflecting the depth of intimacy and trust in these relationships.

From these two reasons, we can partially understand the origin of the proverb. However, more importantly, this saying was historically used to mock grandmothers and mothers for “overloving” their children; today, it is often employed to place blame on women whenever children make mistakes and are criticized by those around them. Such a belief, rooted in the past, represents an unfair and misguided imposition on women. Therefore, in modern society, it is necessary to re-examine this outdated notion so that women may have greater decision-making power beyond being confined to domestic responsibilities. First, in today’s period of national renewal and development, educating children is the responsibility of all family members, not women alone. From grandparents and parents to extended relatives, everyone shares the duty of guiding children when they make mistakes—naturally, depending on the severity of the behavior. If an issue cannot be resolved by relatives, parents bear the primary responsibility to step in and correct the child, preventing further harmful actions and undesirable outcomes. Moreover, an individual’s character is shaped not only by the family but also by school, peers, and many other social factors. Therefore, placing sole responsibility on women for “raising children poorly” is fundamentally incorrect. Furthermore, women have increasingly asserted their position in today’s more equal society. Their roles in society at large and within the family are no less significant than those of men. Women are fully capable of building their own careers while simultaneously caring for their families and themselves. They can, indeed, do many things at once. Yet historically, women were rarely given the opportunity to prove this capacity. 

Broadening the discussion, not only child-rearing but also nurturing and sustaining the family should be a shared responsibility of every individual. The sacrifices and contributions made by each family member in caring for the household are always highly valued. However, during this process, there are times when individuals carry unspoken burdens of their own—and why, in such cases, is the blame so often placed on women? For instance, in some families, women are blamed for not giving birth to a son, even though the sex of a child cannot be chosen. In fact, today most doctors refuse to disclose the sex of a fetus in order to prevent undesirable consequences at birth. Similarly, when a family breaks down or a husband is unfaithful, people often assume it is because the woman failed to take proper care of the household, rather than acknowledging the man’s lack of fidelity. From these examples, it is evident that even today, women continue to be constrained and viewed through a more negative lens than a positive one. In particular, negative aspects of society are frequently associated with women, often condensed into a short yet highly accusatory remark: “That’s just like a woman.” Phrases such as “He speaks softly and moves delicately like a woman,” “She can’t even give birth to a son to carry on the family line—what can she possibly achieve? Typical woman,” or “She dresses so revealingly—typical woman” are just a few examples of expressions used to convey disapproval. Yet why is it that women are repeatedly invoked in these statements—often through the deeply disrespectful label “do dan ba” (“that kind of woman”)? First, individuals of any gender or sexual orientation should be accepted regardless of differences in clothing style, speech, or daily behavior. Each person shapes their own style as a means of self-expression, and this has nothing inherently to do with women. Emma Watson’s statement, “I love fashion because it’s a way you can express yourself to the world,” aptly illustrates that people with different styles are not eccentric or deviant; rather, they are expressing their unique identities—distinct and unmistakable from others. Second, this misguided perception is sometimes perpetuated even by women themselves, often without their awareness. In a certain sense, this contributes to situations in which women criticize other women, further reinforcing negative stereotypes and gradually damaging the image of women in the eyes of society. 

As society continues to develop, people too must evolve in their thinking. We cannot persist in viewing and discussing women through a lens of prejudice and criticism, especially when they are actively striving to improve themselves, to grow, and to become better versions of who they are. This is precisely why each of us needs to adopt a more positive perspective toward women—and toward feminism as well. Feminism was born to advocate for fairness and justice for both women and men. Historically, women taking primary responsibility for domestic work, childbirth, and caring for the family has, in many respects, been a valuable and meaningful role. However, women should also be given opportunities to pursue greater aspirations—to do what they want and love, as long as it does not violate moral standards or social safety. Conversely, men should not be expected to shoulder the role of the “family breadwinner” alone. Men can share financial responsibilities and demanding tasks with their partners, allowing both individuals to recognize the importance of mutual support, cooperation, and encouragement. Moreover, no matter how strong a person may appear, moments of vulnerability are inevitable—and men are no exception. They deserve understanding, advice, and emotional support rather than criticism or judgment when they reveal sides of themselves that differ from traditional expectations. Ultimately, being human means embracing diversity: there are good and bad people, capable individuals and those who are imperfect. Within every person coexist strengths and weaknesses, and personalities may shift across different moments and contexts. Therefore, we should not stereotype women—nor should we generalize or pass judgment on any individual.  

Feminism will undoubtedly require a long journey before everyone fully recognizes the importance of equality. Therefore, starting now, together with VFSA, let each of us continue learning and reflecting in order to gain new perspectives on women—and on those we may have once criticized—so that we can become more confident ourselves, while also giving ourselves the opportunity to stand up and advocate for equality. As Emma Watson, a United Nations Goodwill Ambassador, once said: “I don’t want other people to decide who I am. I want to decide that for myself.” 

Authors: Truong Quynh Nhu, Nguyen Thanh Ngan, Pham Nguyen Minh Thu