[CHÚNG TA CÓ ĐANG SỐNG TRONG MỘT XÃ HỘI “GHÉT PHỤ NỮ”?] – Vietnamese Female Students Association

On our path towards an era where women boldly assert their presence, would there still be words of disparagement waiting silently for the chance to strike and suppress our voice? Before anything, recognising the problem should be the foundation, the first step, for each of us – women who truly understand themselves – to break the invisible chains eager to strangle us at any time.

¹“Women are directly adapted to act as the nurses and the educators of our early childhood, for the simple reason that they themselves are childish, foolish and short-sighted – in a word, are big children all their lives…”

This is a quote taken from the book “On women” by the German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer. Despite his reputation for profound knowledge and sharp intellect, he expressed views that implied disdain and hatred toward women in his philosophies. This sentiment is somewhat understandable, considering that Schopenhauer lived in the 1800s, a time when a woman’s social status largely depended on the man beside her, while her role was confined to reproduction, domestic care, and physical appearance. Women at the time had little agency in society due to harsh, negative prejudices that, like anchors, pulled them to the depths of the ocean. Perhaps because these biases have been deeply ingrained in human consciousness for over hundreds or even thousands of years, they inevitably reinforced the associations of women with weakness and dependence. To this day, the modern world has opened up numerous opportunities for women to speak up, to enjoy equal rights as men’s, and to be protected under a more open-minded perspective. Nonetheless, it seems that misogyny still persists in a subtler fashion, even though the pain it causes remains just as unquantifiable.

HAVE WOMEN ALWAYS BEEN UNDERVALUED?

Tracing the course of history back thousands of years, when humankind first appeared on Earth, the roles of men and women were relatively well-divided. Due to their physical strength, men took on dangerous tasks such as hunting. Meanwhile, women not only partook in farming and gathering but also bore the sacred role of childbirth and childcare—crucial duties that ensured the survival and continuity of future generations. Resultantly, women’s roles in primitive societies were respected, which led to the formation of matriarchal social structures.

However, upon the emergence of feudalism – a transitional period toward patriarchal systems – the role of women became more disregarded than ever before.

In Western countries, the feudal system placed power in the hands of men, allowing them to participate in every field and hold high positions in society. Consequently, women became dependent on men. Their ideal roles were seen as being wives and mothers, not being involved in social affairs. Women were excluded from educational and political systems, which was evident in the way medieval European universities rejected female students. Literature and art from this period reflect the pressure placed on women by prevailing societal prejudices, most notably illustrated in “Pride and Prejudice” by Jane Austen. Most of the female characters in the novel were largely influenced by the social structures at the time. They were portrayed as anxiously awaiting the chance to marry a wealthy, high-status man to secure a comfortable life; they became visibly excited and tried to polish their appearance to impress a nobleman upon seeing him approaching. Their entire lives would be determined by the man they chose as their husband—someone who could either elevate their social status or damn them into a life of poverty and hardship.

In Eastern societies, Confucianism introduced norms that restricted women’s rights and diminished their roles in societies. The doctrine of “Three Obediences and Four Virtues” imposed rigid expectations on women. According to the “Three Obediences”, a woman must always be bound to a man, be him her father, husband, or son: “Obey your father at home, obey your husband in marriage, and obey your son in widowhood.” Meanwhile, the “Four Virtues”, including “works, comportment, speech, and conduct”, demanded women to be morally upright, altruistic, faithful, and devoted. Yet, why were women expected to become the flawless versions of themselves when they were granted almost no rights, from access to education and career advancement to even ownership of property? Their virtues were not only underappreciated, while women themselves were trivialised, seen as weak and over-reliant. Even though catering for the family, a role often entrusted to women, was important in creating long-term happiness, society tended to commend material value and benefits brought by men. As a consequence, women have not only endured constraints in the early societies but also continue to face disregard in modern life.

WOMEN’S THROUGH THE MEDIA’S CROOKED LENS

Nowadays, rapid development in commerce and media plays a crucial role in delivering information and shaping human views on societal issues. However, in certain cases, these factors contribute considerably to demeaning and harming women.

In the entertainment industry, there exist numerous methods of exploiting oversexualized images of females in order to attract more viewers. An infamous example is the reality show “The Influencer” from South Korea, which first aired in 2024 and subsequently received overwhelming criticism from the public for making female contestants perform inappropriate actions such as stripping, wearing revealing clothes, and the like. in order to get more views². This, consequently, reinforces the negative stereotypes about females, thereby reducing the value of women by objectifying them as entertainment means.

Besides, a wide range of movies portray female characters in ways that are one-sided, thus underrepresenting the diversity and depth of women. A classic example is the “manic pixie dream girl” motif – a type of female character who is presented to enrich the life of the main male character yet lacks their own development. These characters, such as Summer from “500 Days of Summer”, exist mainly to encourage character development for the main male character. This image subconsciously portrays sexism and helps reinforce the idea that women have to be gentle and live for men, rather than leading their own life.

INTERNALIZED MISOGYNY: THE SELF-INFLICTED WOUND OF WOMEN

According to research, Internalized Misogyny refers to women’s internalized self-hatred, which reinforces their belief in male superiority and their acceptance of unjust gender inequalities (Bearman & Amrhein, 2014). In essence, this self-hatred manifests when women – those historically considered to be the disadvantaged group, feel dissatisfied with the social prejudice they suffer from, but men, the privileged group, are too strong for them to retaliate, leading to a shift in the dissatisfaction to other women³. Eventually, they accept those prejudices as an objective reality, thus continuing the everlasting4 cycle of self-hatred⁴. Ignorance of oppression stems as a defense mechanism as women have to change their behaviors to conform with the expectation of a patriarchal world. This dynamic not only suppresses women's self-advocacy but also replaces solidarity with infighting, obstructing collective progress.

The first sign of Internalized Misogyny lies in the feeling of Internalized Powerlessness – which occurs when an individual, after failing many times, becomes passive and loses all motivation to continue trying even though the opportunity to succeed is still there. Women who experience this phenomenon often think that they are insufficient, underrepresenting their desire to participate in activities to develop themselves or learn new skills. This phenomenon is one of the reasons that leads to the lack of contributions of women in scientific fields and positions of power and contributes to the emergence of the imposter syndrome, in which women feel they do not deserve their achievements.

Secondly, the phenomenon of Objectification appears when women perceive themselves based on the level of sexual attraction they appear to others, instead of their internal values. Nowadays, some cases of the objectification of women are promoted as a form of ‘empowerment’; however, this reinforces age-old gender stereotypes that women’s worth can be measured by their appearance rather than by their whole selves as a true human being.

Next, when women put the needs of others above their own, it is a phenomenon called “Loss of Self”. This phenomenon is most clearly manifested when women take on the role of mothers. According to Deloitte’s Women @ Work 20235 survey⁵, women were mainly responsible for childcare at home, and some expressed the view that they have to prioritize their partner’s career over their own. This leaves women trapped in precarious, low-paying jobs, affecting even their retirement benefits.

Finally, unfair criticism and competition with other women is also a telltale sign of the Internalized Misogyny trend. A certain group of women in today's society tends to nitpick the lives of other girls: "You can clearly see the torn thread on that shirt. It's so obviously fake", "Look at her chest! It must be full of silicon all the way through!", "Why does she only work a basic job but still get to wear high-end clothes and travel luxuriously everywhere?! She must have earned money illegally or rely on men to be like that!". These negative thoughts partly stem from jealousy and envy and the difficulty in connecting with people of the same sex. These behaviors can hurt other women, create an obstacle for women who want to fight against old prejudices, and undermine trust and connection between girls.

Under the guise of praising ‘traditional women’, Internalized Misogyny leads to a plethora of negative effects on women’s lives. First of all, this phenomenon has a serious impact on women’s mental health, causing anxiety, and possibly leading to depression and eating disorders. Women’s self-esteem is also shaken by this trend when women think that they are weaker and less capable than men, which unintentionally prevents them from discovering their potential and conquering the things they desire, causing women to lose their autonomy and sense of control over their lives.

Whenever a man makes a mistake, they are always able to find a woman to blame for everything. Without reasoning, without evidence, and without respect – just like that, they assume that all negative behaviors and thoughts come from women – because of them and because they are the root cause that “created” those who cause problems. Men are not wrong,but the ideology that fosters a ruling system where men hold dominant positions has caused, and is causing, extremely severe consequences, toxic educational directions and, pain to everyone and not just any specific individual, yet the causes, unconsciously, always take the form of women.

ARE WOMEN ALWAYS THE ONES AT FAULT?

Sometimes, women are “at fault” just because they are: too beautiful only to become a target of jealousy, too competent only to invite suspicion, too gentle only to be labeled two-faced, too independent only to be seen as selfish, too straightforward only to be called rude. Even in today’s society, to some people, being a woman is enough to be considered wrong. When a man cheats, the blame often falls on the wife for not caring for herself, not being attractive enough, and not being sexually active. Yet if she goes out, earns money and becomes financially dependent, then she is “selfish” and “not family-oriented” because “What is the point of being successful if your husband does not love you?”. Voicing her emotions makes her “overly sensitive”, while holding them back makes her “unfeeling”. Sayings like “Blame the lioness for the spoiled cup” are deeply rooted in our culture, serving as easy excuses to criticize and shame women. These beliefs reflected how women have long been undervalued and blamed for things beyond their control. When a public video mocks a girl’s bold fashion choices, people do not charge the invasion of privacy – they shame the woman instead, calling her “slutty” or “cheap”. Wherever they are, whatever they do, women often find themselves at the center of gossip and judgement, to satisfy the desires of those hungry for control and dominance.

A heartbreaking truth is that, the longer people live under stereotypes, the more likely they are to internalize it, or even defend it just to feel “safe”. That’s why we sometimes see women bringing other women down instead of lifting them up – to feel more “proper” and “worthy”. Why is it that everything a woman does – from how she speaks, dresses, and acts – is tied to a supposed “value”? Why must a woman be “valuable” to be respected? If a woman openly shows her feelings and seeks love, she is seen as desperate. Unbelievably, in this so-called civilized 21st century, people still glorify male validation as “high-value”. Since when did being a woman mean being a product – measured, priced, and chosen to suit somebody’s standards? It is utterly absurd to pass this idea on to girls, steering them toward these so-called “new norms” – the detrimental consequences of dismantling the old prejudices. This is what we call “the return of old prejudices” – an evolved form of the old oppression. In medieval Europe, a woman who knew medicine or astronomy or even a midwife with knowledge and experience could be hung and burned as a witch. There are also outdated notions like “men sit above, women sit below”, “a woman’s place is in the home, doing domestic chores and raising children”, or “why bother having daughters?” which is typical of the male chauvinism. After generations of women resisting and raising voices in protest, the world has come to recognize that equality is a right, not a privilege. Girls are now encouraged to go to school, pursue education, compete, and grow into independent, self-reliant individuals – an example that everyone would follow. Yet then we still hear things like: “She is too smart that no man will want her”, “She is so strong that will scare men away”. Has society made women fear their own growth? As if being successful means losing their femininity and ruining their relationships. It is an unfair accusation, as if a woman’s career was the root of all problems. Are we living in a world where women's empowerment is seen as a threat to romantic relationships? Women nowadays are still restrained by yet another set of standards, which, ironically, is formed as the old one has failed to shackle them. Have we truly expanded women’s freedom, or is it a chain in disguise, where the right to choose is accompanied by a pressure to make the “right” choices in everyone else's eyes? Are we wrong for choosing to live for ourselves?

IS IT TRULY WOMEN THAT SOCIETY DESPISES, OR MERELY THOSE THAT DO NOT SERVE THE INTERESTS OF MEN?

Maybe it is not women that society despises, but anything that doesn’t benefit men instead. With the view to training women into highly programmed machines of blind endurance and submissiveness – all in the name of being “respected and loved”, many encourage women to pursue education, but only to be more feminine, and more understanding. This way, gentleness is not encouraged as an inherent, characteristic trait that a woman naturally possesses, but as a marketing tool designed by male-centric standards. This is clearly reflected in the flood of short, viral videos such as: “How to make him obsessed with you”, “How to keep a man interested in the long run?”, “5 things men find attractive in a woman”, “How to be more desirable to men?” and countless others. These videos, whether deliberately or not, are misleading many of those not yet fully aware of this manipulation. They do not learn to understand themselves but to please others. They do not wear makeup for self-love but for “men like red lips and baby skin tones.” Many videos on “How to be a high-value woman” appear with many definitions, societal norms constructed to evaluate a person’s value through marketing virtues. These short videos are popular because everyone craves love and attention. However, ironically, many people willingly trap themselves in these boxes, adopting them as life mantras and soon, they start judging others by the same standard. Any non-conformist is “wrong” and “not feminine”. That is how beautiful qualities become survival strategies instead of free expressions of identity.

In the past, women were kept in the kitchen. Now, they are freer but still within a larger, prettier cage – a cage of “femininity”, “moderate charm” and “moderate intelligence”. Even worse, they are taught to view this prison as a gift – to take pride in being praised, under strict conditions, for meeting society’s expectations. Sometimes, the encouragement for women’s “self-development” is just an upgraded version of suppression: “Be prettier, be smarter, be sexier,” – not for yourself, but to attract the approval of the “ideal man” with wealth, looks ,and status. We live in such a world – a world where many women struggle to earn the right to stand next to men. Perhaps we have got accustomed to shackling ourselves, and at times, even binding strangers to the vague expectations of others, purely to fulfill a deep-seated longing for recognition? There are even women who are so “expert” in becoming the perfect product in the eyes of men that they see them as an ideal example for others to follow. They do not merely live within a velvet cage, they also go so far as to convince others: “This cage is quite comfortable; enter it – only there can you find the “valuable” women.

However, what happens when women rise in solidarity for one another? A sobering reality emerges: whenever women raise their voices to protect themselves, they are often labeled as “rebellious”, “bitter”, or even “man-hating”. As Bell Hooks once wrote: “Conservative mass media continuously portray feminist women as man-haters. Moreover, whenever any anti-male sentiment arises within the movement, such media will highlight them as a way to discredit feminism.” The danger is not only the misrepresentation of women, but also the fact that any pursuit of freedom is distorted into extremism, discouraging women from daring to live authentically. They are not only controlled by prejudice, but also by the fear of being disliked – a form of captivity far more insidious. But in a world that so readily doubts women, choosing to believe them – to truly listen – is, in itself, an act of courage.

Not all women are always right, but women deserve not to be presumed wrong by default. It is time for women not only to break free from the molds imposed upon them but also to stop placing one another in boxes. Because every time one woman chooses to stand up for another, the world heals — if only just a little. As Audre Lorde once said: “I am not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are very different from my own.” A just world for women cannot be built on silence, nor can it be defined by someone else’s standards. It must begin with empathy, with a gaze free of judgment, and with the belief that women have the right to be themselves — without needing anyone’s permission.

“Let this be a reminder, ladies, that we’re living in an era where women walk tall and take charge

(that’s right)

Gentle and graceful, but never easily bullied

Prioritizing whatever brings peace of mind

Girls, do as you wish – truly, do as you wish

The freer you are, the more fiercely you shine.

(Cái đẹp – Pháo x Pháp Kiều x Tlinh)

Reference materials:

¹According to Book Hunter

_²According to Báo Tiền Phong, 11/8/2024

³Theo “Self-Hatred among Jews” (Resolving social conflicts, K.Lewin, 1945)

⁴Theo “Women as a minority group” (Social Forces, Helen Mayer Hacker, 1951).