[POLYGAMY]

One under the quilt, one freezes.
This accursed fate of a polygamist
Elusive affection and fleeting gaze
Once, twice or never will love come    

(Excerpt from“Fate of a polygamist - Ho Xuan Huong)

Those verses conveyed the female poet Ho Xuan Huong's rage at the injustices she had to bear,  specifically, regarding her resentments about polygamy. Why did the tradition of polygamy cause women in the past to continuously live in abandonment, to live in a loveless world? Let's travel back in time with VFSA to see how polygamy had affected women at the time and why it was a great mistake. 

First and foremost, polygamy is a long-standing tradition. Polygamy occurs when a man has many wives at the same time or has a marital connection with multiple women simultaneously. This rule was once popular and lawful in most Eastern nations during feudalism. However, today, it appears to only exist in a few mountainous and  ethnic groups in African or Muslim countries. Polygamy developed and evolved for a variety of reasons. Polygamy is generally considered to originate from incredibly diverse and prominent religious doctrines such as Islamic, Hinduism, Confucianism, Buddhism, ect. However, this only accounted for a minor portion of the tale itself. Polygamy, for example, is viewed as a benevolent act in Islam, where men are encouraged to marry downtrodden and orphaned women who are perceived as worthless and were facing social derision at the time. So religion may just be an excuse for men to abuse faith in order to satisfy their own sexual needs and desire’s. These are the same individuals who further pushed the narrative that "women are dependent and submissive with the sole purpose of child bearing".   

So, what are the consequences of polygamy for women? For starters, polygamy restricts women the right to love and be loved. The reason is plain and simple: polygamy is rarely the result of genuine love, pure sentiments, or heart-felt vibrations. As aforementioned, women were viewed as "reproductive tools" to keep the bloodline going, an "asset" that is highly sought after. Take Indonesia, for instance, a guy can have marital connections with several women. Despite his words of proper treatment towards his wives,  it appears the oath only works on paper. Because, when a woman is unable to give him a child (typically a boy), she must grit her teeth and accept that the polygamy history will continue, much as the belief that "Women are just like a child reproduction machine; when the machine is no longer worth using, it must be abandoned."  

Not only that, but a man's having several wives is obvious evidence of the act of devaluing a woman. Women's self-determination, opinion, and privacy looked to be a pipe dream, wild and far away, especially during the period when their wives' regard for men was mostly none. From generation to generation, the same cycle repeats, and gradually, the burning flames of faith, yearning for a beautiful fairy-like love are slowly extinguished, love-making feel like a rigid chain, like a moth to a flame. That cycle is identical to the unending loop of fantasies and reality, of desire and misery. Because part of them have fulfilled  their ambition by marrying, part of them lived in sorrrow of forever being a concubine. Of course, there are still occasions where people are prepared to admit that polygamy has no negative influence on women, but these are few and far between.
Not only that, but polygamy robs women of their autonomy. Going back in time, the "Giao special born" has a record that says: "Women must follow people, when they are children, they must follow their fathers; when they marry, they must follow their husbands; and when their husbands die, they must follow their children." That notion is analogous to a vicious loop that bewildered ants continue to pursue, eventually losing power and dying.That is equivalent to claiming that women do not have the freedom to choose. Even though those ladies are still alive, are they deemed to be "living" or merely "existing"? Also, it was assumed that a woman had to use her husband's name in ancient times. From the perspective of some, this is not a problem worth debating, even incredibly fantastic because using a new name just like marking a new "prominent" milestone in their life. But, when you look about it more broadly and thoroughly, isn't this a clear indication of women's restraint and tight control? Because being given a new name means losing the original name that your parents gave you - it's like devoting the rest of your life to a husband and being unable to continue writing your own life, is it different to accept and adhere your own life to your husband?   

In today’s time, this ancient belief is not widespread but it has been deeply ingrained in women’s mindset. A certain part of women in the present, especially those who have grown up in a male-dominated household, still holds on to the mentality that values men over women, and believes that men are far more superior than women. In some particular situations, this notion even makes the woman dependent, unambitious, and conservative. As a matter of fact, if this notion takes over the majority of society, it will cause detrimental impacts. The responsibility placed on men’s shoulders will grow even greater, and women will never be able to realize their true potential along with the difference they can make for themselves and society. Because of the presence of this outdated belief, polygyny still exists in some families, and is difficult to get rid of.  The effect of polygyny is so severe that we can see a similarity between women in both the old and modern world - they all have to suffer from and be restrained by social stereotypes for females. If they go against those even just slightly, they’ll face frowning faces, judging eyes and bad reputation, the things which will furthermore suffocate women, make them feel ill-fated just because of their existence. For example, when a woman and her husband decide to divorce, it is certain that most of her family members and friends humiliate and look down on her due to the separation, considering her a horrible wife that must have done disgusting things that led to their divorce. However, all the people running their mouths about the wife’s traits and personality based solely on the divorce were not involved in their marriage at all, then how come they granted themselves the rights to criticize another? That being said, even if the wife stands up for herself, those words will be deemed excuses., leading to the wife being criticized even more. Because of that, women are forced to be loyal to her husband for life under every circumstance, listen to his every demand just to put up a facade of a happy marriage and a loving family.   

Moreover, polygyny is a form of adultery where the wife does not have the right to voice her own opinion. Being a wife means dedicating her whole life to the wellbeing of the husband and the family. Therefore, imagine the pain and agony a wife must suffer upon finding out about her husband’s affair. Broken trust. Broken heart. We can take Emperor Bảo Đại for example - who was considered the only Vietnamese king that followed monogamy and known for his beautiful love story with Queen Consort Nam Phương. In the end, he still cheated. His disloyalty made the Queen’s unconditional love for him meaningless and shattered her trust. Though she did not have the right to file a lawsuit, Queen Nam Phương still earned the general public’s respect with her 66 word long letter to the King’s mistress: “Dear Lý Lệ Hà. Although I am a million miles away from His Majesty, I know you are taking great care of him in Hong Kong. My mother and I are thankful to you for eternity. Nam Phương!”  

So you might be wondering how such an discriminatory mentality survives that long? Foremost, as mentioned, some men want to use polygyny to satisfy their own desires. They view women as objects for them to toy around and abandon once they’re done, and they are sure that they have this right. In the minds of those twisted perverts, there is nothing but that corrupted thought - which was the right thing in ancient society. Consequently, women were made to think that their suffering is inevitable when they are born a female. Once they had actions that are against the normal “rules”, they would be regarded as having committed an unforgivable crime. Secondly, from a different point of view, in ancient society, it’s actually a beneficial custom rather than a harmful one. Polygyny helped women get out of being single since men outnumbered women. But later on, this custom gradually shifted from being advantageous to being adverse and lost its morals, eventually backfired. For example, in some countries women exploit polygyny: in regions where men usually die prematurely, polygyny gives the wives and kids alimony, and that “dirty money” makes some women forget their own value as well as the meaning of marriage to pursue wealth.   

In modern times, polygyny has reduced significantly and is banned by Vietnamese law, as strong evidence that women no longer have to follow the obsolete customs from long ago, and the difference between the two genders is gradually being erased. To achieve the current status of respect and equality, women had to fight for themselves in many ways in order to live the lives they want, enjoy the love they desire, and most of all, freedom and power in society. 

Author: My Anh